I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
