god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
