he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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