I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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