I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
