Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
