i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
