You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
