Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
