i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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