Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
