I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
