Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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