meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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