When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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