last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
