Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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