fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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