What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
