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I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
