margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i think my tv is drunk
She announced her abortion via fbk
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
