She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
