i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
