Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
