i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
