Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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