I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
