After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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