I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
