its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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