Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
