You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
