What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
