Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
