Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
