i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
