Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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