dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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