I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
