oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
