Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
