I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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