no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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