After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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