He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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