so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
