Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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