when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
