Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
