I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
